The school is second to your family in its influence in your children’s lives. A successful school experience is more likely when relationships between the home and the school are positive, cooperative, and supportive. As a result, parent’s involvement is crucial.

However, the school provides excellent opportunities for children to grow and develop outside your direct influence. How can you balance the need to be involved in your children’s school lives with the need to allow your children to develop independence and responsibility in their relationship outside the family? Here are some hints to guide you.

Build your relationship with your child’s teachers during a non-conflict time – Do not wait for the problem to arise. If needed, visit the school regularly to meet with your child’s teacher and administrators like the principal.

Find out how often, and under what circumstances, you can expect to hear from them – Ask the teacher of the school’s goals and expectations, rules and limits. In that way, you would have an idea on what possible scenarios your child would most likely get into.

Make sure the school has information about your schedule and availability – If it’s not okay to call you at work except for emergencies or if you prefer for phone conferences, let them know.

Focus on the positive – Let your child’s teacher know when you appreciate something they’ve done. Send the school some “good notes” that comment on the time someone has taken with your child, or the excitement she’s inspired, or for her patience and planning.

Avoid speaking for your child – Let your child express his own opinion even if he is very young, while you contribute your observations, needs, or personal experiences.

Avoid defending or making excuses for your child – Avoid even the overwhelming temptation of rescuing him from the consequences of the poor choices that he made.

Avoid automatically taking the teacher’s side – Do your best to stay out of the middle.

Learn to listen – As an educator, your child’s teacher may have a different perspective from yours. Respect his opinion and tell him about your insights about the situation. On the other hand, listen to your child as well when he brings problems to home. Validate and appreciate his feelings, help him explore options, and ask him what he has to do to solve the problem.

Know that your child will continue to meet and have to deal with different individuals throughout her life – You can help her develop the flexibility to succeed in a variety of relationship setting by asking questions like, “What does this particular teacher expect from the students?” or “What do you need to do to take care of yourself in this case?”

Be prepared to tell the teacher what you are and aren’t willing to do in any given situation – It’s not unreasonable to expect the school to have its own consequences for the rule it establishes. And it’s okay to refuse to punish a child for an infraction you did not witness.

Avoid being defensive – Do not feel the need to prove your competence as a parent. Likewise, avoid allowing an educator shame you into hurting your child.

Be aware that chronic misbehavior may indicate hidden problems – These problems could either be at home or at school. Consider counseling or testing when necessary. But keep your focus on the solution, not the blame.

Keep track of contacts with the school – Take note if your contacts with the teacher were positive or negative. In meetings with teachers and administrators, it may be a good idea to take notes to keep track of what was discussed and planned. This information can really be helpful in following up progress in future meetings.

Ask for feedback from the teacher – Be reasonable in your requests. Teachers have more than enough to do. While most will be happy to let you know how your child is progressing, please do not pressure the teacher for anything that takes more than a few seconds. Avoid approaching a teacher reactively. Remember to attack the problem, not the person.

Respect teacher’s boundaries – Do not ask them to punish or withhold privileges from your children for infractions that occurred at home. Just as you refuse to allow teachers to make you responsible for solving problems they are having with your children, avoid involving the school when your kids neglect their chores, wet the bed, or break curfew.

Let your child know that you love them – Express to them that they are loved unconditionally and absolutely, no matter what.